It’s been an eventful day.

1.) Fucked over for child support. Eh. Is what it is.

2.) Got lease/deposits taken care of for new apartment. No longer homeless! Hooray!

3.) Found out I’m going to be an auntie! :D I’M GONNA BE AN AAAAAAUNTIIIIIIE!



but the silence outside is immense. Cold cold cold with moon and stars up there hazy and overcast like someone dragged ripped gauze between me and the sky and there aren’t enough stars to stare at. They’ve all drifted down days ago, and when the sun came out next morning they fused together on top of the frozen ground. They’re a slick, shining sheet now, here and there where the shade kept it all safe and sound from the sun that tried like hell to make us think the cold would go away. If I stare at the ice and let my eyes unfocus just a bit, it looks like water, or the stretching slide of glacier or pack-ice, of which there is increasingly too little, we are told.

Winter always did spark something wild in me, but I’m older and wisdom has made me afraid, so I don’t go out there anymore, and I no longer let the wildness jerk me forward like a fishhook in my heart. I can ignore the tug, though sometimes, on nights like this one especially, it still hurts like I imagine does the phantom pain of a missing limb. But I remember the cool span of moonlight slicing down through a night so blackly crystalline that it brought tears to the eyes, physical pain and sharpness. I remember the pale light of it washing the snow and making something close to daylight out of midnight, or two a.m. I remember the crunch of snow under my feet, snow that nobody else had walked on, and I remember what it felt like, the huge, expansive awe-fulness of imagining that no-one else had or would see something so beautiful as unsullied snow under a moon bright enough to sear the vision.

Does snow still smell like the taste of tin? Does the scent of it still become almost a taste at the tip of the tongue the moment the flakes start to fall?

Dear stomach: You are not known for giving me heartburn. You and I, we have weathered Texas chili, North Carolina AND Tennessee barbecue, goat enchiladas from the lovely Mexican woman down the road from mom’s house, and deep fried everything from questionable carnies. We have survived and thrived on Sri Lankan curry, even. In Sri Lanka. Why, therefore, do you feel the need now to bitch at me over a bottle of retsina and a few loukomades? Pls to be getting your shit together and remembering your teflon nature.

Love, me.

In other news, this is pretty cool.