So let’s see: in the several months since I scribbled here, I lost my son to my ex in a bitter custody battle, resolved to give the ex’s aunt the dressing-down she so richly deserves next time I come across her, moved into a tiny apartment to save money, gave up two adored pets because of this, and met JVM.
One of those is not like the others, and I hope it marks an upswing.
He’s #3 to insist on a draft of a novel sliding across his desk, whether or not he or the others were sincere about it (it’s not their job, after all, to prod my ambition). Writing… I might have to actually, seriously look at doing this. I’ve been talking about it for long enough. I’ve been dabbling (and drabbling…) for most of my life. I should think that’s enough practice, thank you so very much.
And my so-far-perpetual hesitancy makes me wonder. Why don’t I write? Why don’t I finish the things I begin? At risk of sounding unforgivably immodest, I’m damn good, at least as far as I’ve let it take me. I know what a good story is. I know how to tell it. I know what good characters are, and I know how to make them. I know how to let them speak through me. I know how to make place immediate and visceral. I know, almost instinctively, how to tease into doing my bidding the magic of words written down. It’s a largely unshaped talent, but it’s there. I could use it if I wanted to; I could stumble across the barriers and potholes that new-fledged scribbly-types must encounter in order to acquire the scars and bruises that are a writer’s (w)rite of passage. Rejections; dead ends; bad characterisations; plots that won’t resolve. Terrible grammar. Editors (gawd bless ’em).
I could do it.
So… why the fuck don’t I write?
…I think I’m afraid.
9 December, 2009 at 2:29 pm
I think you are afraid. I think that’s very self-aware. The real question isn’t if you are afraid. The real question is what is it that scares you so very much?
9 December, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Probably the same things most of us are afraid of…What if I FAIL? What if I SUCCEED?!? It’s all outside of the “Comfort Zone” and therefore to be avoided. We should live closer to each other so we can kick each others’ respective asses. LOL!!!! I love you!
13 January, 2016 at 7:54 pm
I’ve been through a similar cycle, several times, and right now I have made peace with the fact that writing isn’t something I really want to do, most of the time. I work and that job alone takes a lot of creative energy. LIFE takes a lot of creative energy. Sometimes writing feels healing and cathartic, but most of the time it feels like work. When the time comes that I’ve planned writing, I usually choose something else. Anything else: reading a book, coloring, defending the honor of JJ Abrams…. but writing just doesn’t make it to the top of my list. I am at peace with that fact, for now, because I gave it a go for a good long while… but I do think you owe it to yourself to try. Otherwise you’ll always wonder what could have been.
This in itself is a bit of the trouble. The unwritten novel is perfect, and putting it on paper reveals its imperfections.